Party Lines

We have a lock on the computer and a lock on the telly. And I take the kids a special route to school, just to avoid the big posters…

It must be difficult.

Children shouldn’t have to know about these things.

About sex? Or nakedness?

Any of it. It’s all disgusting. Sex and raunch and…All that stuff. Especially Lady Gaga. Kids should be allowed to be kids.

Well but kids are kids no matter-

Patty, let’s not forget! It passes so quickly. One minute you have a kid on your hands, you’re doing their homework with them, baking choccie cakes. Next minute they’re off to uni!

That’s true.

I said to Gerald-you’ve got to keep them kids. Got to keep them innocent. Especially these days.

On the other hand…

Why ruin it? Why kill the magic?

…I don’t want to pick a fight, Laura.

I should think not!

And I don’t want to sound like a hippy-


But sex-is magic. It’s part of the magic. Isn’t it?

AH HA HA HA! Very funny Patty. What are you, some sort of Californian cultist or something?


What are you, one of those weird Californian pervs, who love talking about their feelings! Ah ha ha! It’s too hilarious!

I just mean-sex can be fun…

Oh! If you say so, Patty.

Well. Yes, I sort of do-

Are you trying to be argumentative?


We’re talking about our kids!

I understand that.

As far as mine know-“sex” is something that happens between farmyard animals. And Lady Gaga…The way people bang on in front of the kids-it should be illegal.

I think it is illegal with animals.

All those posters of girls in their underwear…Make me want to scream!

…I know they do…

And the pop videos, and all the sexy girls in the magazines, making me feel, you know-

Like you’re sort of missing out?

What? No! For crying out loud, Patty. I feel sorry for them.

Do you? Why?

Have you watched those videos? Girls gyrating. And things. It’s degrading. It’s disgusting. And I said to Gerald-when it comes to sex, for our kids, it’s a need-to-know basis. We’re only telling Orlando the nitty gritty if he gets the interview at Westminster. Just in case. Because you never know, do you, what might come up.

That’s the problem.

We’re going to keep him innocent if it kills us!

It’s going to be hard to implement…

All the best things in life are hard. That’s what I said to Gerald.

And from what I’ve heard about Gerald, I’ll just bet he agreed.

Underrated: Abroad

The ravenous longing for the infinite possibilities of “otherwhere”

The king of cakes

"Yuletide revels were designed to see you through the dark days — and how dark they seem today"