It’s lucky we’re not on one of those sort of current-affairsy-type TV shows isn’t it, Luce? I can’t think of a single thing that’s happened the whole year! I wouldn’t have the foggiest where to begin. Would you?
Well there was the Spring uprisings . . . The Arab Springs. Whatnot.
Was that this year?
Either this year or last year. And there’s that dreadful man in . . . Syria? Clinging on. You know, with the wife. Who buys Louboutin.
Oh yes of course! She had an account at Harrods, didn’t she? She bought all sorts of things . . . Shoes and furniture. While everyone was dying on the streets.
So there was that.
. . . And the super lady with the eye patch. Remember her? The reporter-lady. Who was killed.
Yes! That was a shame . . .
And Levenson. Levitson.
Those girls called Pussy Galore. Who got arrested in Russia?
Oh yes! That was fun.
Not Lebedev. Brezhnev. No . . .
Did he buy the Daily Mail?
No. That’s the one who owns Chelsea.
So who’s Lebedev?
I don’t mean Lebedev, do I? I mean the man who did the inquiry into Milly Dowler . . . And that dreadful woman with the red hair.
The Murdoch woman? What was she called?
She’s got very fat recently, I notice. In the pics.
All the pressure of everything.
I should think.
. . . But I can’t really think of anything else that’s happened this year. Can you?
Nothing like 9/11 or anything . . .
. . . the double dip recession . . .
. . . Boring. And the euro and all that . . .
Haha! Oh yes.
But beyond that . . .
Hugh Grant making a prat of himself.
They all did. Didn’t they? At the Leverand Inquiry. I thought they were disgraceful. Frankly.
Well-all of them, really. Hugh Grant and the comedian bloke. Alan Partridge. And that sourpuss-J.K. Rowling.
Did you read her novel?
I bought it . . . You had to buy it, didn’t you?
. . . So what have we got then? For 2012?
There was the election of course.
The US election, you numpkin!
Oh yes . . . That was a shame, I must say-between you and me-I rather fancied the other chappie. Plus his wife has MS.
Any gory murders?
. . . None that I can think of . . . If you don’t count Osama. They killed him, then forgot to bring a tape measure to check it was him! Because of course he was very tall, wasn’t he? In life.
Wasn’t that last year, in any case?
You’re quite right! It coincided with David’s 50th. I remember dashing around, trying to sort out the nibbles . . .
So. No murders. No wars-really. Nothing like Bosnia or anything.
It’s actually been a bloody boring year. News-wise. Hasn’t it? When you actually stop to think about it.
Oh. My. God. But you know what we’ve forgotten, Jill, don’t you?
Only the biggest story of the decade-
Duh . . .
. . . You’ve got me panicking now . . . Erm . . . Something to do with Afghanistan? Jimmy Savile? The BBC? . . . Somebody died? Oh! The Queen’s rainy Jubilee!
Hello! Good MORNING! Good MORNING SICKNESS Duchess of Cambridge!!!
THE ROYAL BABY!
Boring year, indeed! Boring year, my left foot, Jill!