Party Lines

Daisy Waugh eavesdrops on the chattering classes

Modern Life Party Lines Satire

My heart goes out to these kids. Because they’re probably lovely kids underneath it all.

But then they get hold of these knives. And, you know, peer pressure and everything. They don’t stand a chance on their own. They desperately need help.

Personally, I blame the parents.

Don’t we all? I must say Cameron’s very good on that.

Mmm, I bet. Lovely Dave. Love Dave.
So what does sexy Dave have to say about it then?

Well, he says it’s all about taking responsibility. People have got to take responsibility.

You see? God, he’s so right!

It’s all very well being fat and violent and what-not, all these sorts of things – but how about, you know, walking to the chip shop just for once, instead of taking the ruddy bus? Or how about saying NO! to that pack of Monster Munch crisps and picking up a nice apple instead. How about that? Hm?

Brilliant! Trouble is, people – I mean people if you know what I mean — they don’t want to listen. Look at Jamie Oliver’s school dinners. The mums were feeding the kids chips through the school railings!

The problem is, they pop out these wretched kids, one after the other, and I’m not saying anything about, you know, about living on welfare. I’m not saying that. It’s too easy. But half the time you can’t see the dads for dust. Meanwhile the mums are lounging around watching TV all day. Drunk, most probably. And nobody’s got a clue what the kids are up to. I don’t want to sound awful –

Ha ha ha! No.

– but someone’s got to say it. The Government should just – grab the bull by the horns and say, right, you’re feeding your kids chips, plus they’re roaming around stabbing each other half the time. Sorry. Off to the sterilisation clinic with you, matey?

It’s certainly an argument. Because the way things are I should think it’s safer wandering around Baghdad than it is wandering around Tottenham on a Saturday night.

They have these metal detectors at the schools nowadays.

The mind boggles.

It does. Though I have to say I read somewhere that the crime rate was actually decreasing. And the whole stabbing teenager thing is all just a media-made storm in a teacup. Like the credit crunch. These newspapers fix on an idea and suddenly it’s the new hot topic. One week it’s Jade Goody. The next it’s knife crime.

So – it’s going down is it?

There is actually less knife and gun crime now than there was – you know – before. That’s what I read.

Well, I can believe it, because — you know?

One can believe anything these days, really.

That’s right. Gosh, it’s always so lovely having a chat with you! You’re so interesting. Always full of amazing opinions. Not like most people.

Oh, I’m a strong believer in opinions. By the way, how’s Leo settling in at Wellington?