Party Lines

Our columnist listens to the ongoing debate about human rights

Call me crazy. Or “racist”. Or whatever. But, no, thank you very much — I do NOT want a bunch of thieving Romanian gyppos at the bottom of my drive. Frankly. Do you?

Never mind our so-called human rights. It’s the thieving gyppos’ “human rights” which always have to come first…

Why isn’t it my “human right” not to have thieving gyppos at the end of my drive? That’s what I simply cannot understand.

Oh my God — you haven’t got them, have you?

Ha ha. God, no. In Fulham? Don’t be ridiculous. I’m just saying…Excuse me, but is it my so-called human right to eat this great big chocolate bar? Just because I want to. Even though it’s going to make me fat.


I’m just saying — this whole human rights thing. It’s a scam, isn’t it?

But what’s chocolate — ?

I’m just saying: in the inimitable words of Sir Michael, aka Mick, Jagger —

No! Did they make him a Sir? When?

“You can’t always get what you want.”

When did they do that, then? I knew it was Sir Paul…It’s been Sir Paul for ages. But Sir Mick? Sounds a bit funny, doesn’t it?

The Human Rights culture. It’s like the Blame culture…In a way….the Something-For-Nothing culture. The “work-shy” culture. All these sorts of “cultures”…

I agree.

We’ve got terrorists — terrorists, Tilly — claiming they’ve got cats. Thanks to the Human Rights Act. Which prevents them from going home and getting executed. Or whatever.

It doesn’t make any sense.

You can’t argue with that…Meanwhile our kids are at risk! Every day! I send my kids out the front door — on to the trampoline. For example. I don’t even know if I’m ever going to see them again! We’re living on a knife edge —

Oh — well, you need to get one of those safety nets. They’re brilliant —

I’m not — that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying — in a country that actively harbours terrorists — the trampoline’s probably the safest place for them. I won’t let mine on the Underground. No way. Not any more. In fact — public transport is out. O.U.T.

Oh, yes. Absolutely. Except planes, obviously.

Well, yes. But — you know — buses and Tubes — and —

Ferries! You won’t get me on a ferry! No thanks! They always stink of frying.

No public spaces are safe for kids. Not any more. Someone out there is going to want to harm our kids! And thanks to so-called human rights, that “someone” is probably living in the house next door…

And probably on housing benefit!

Oh, don’t even start me on housing benefit.

Me neither! One hundred and fifty per cent with you there!…Are you eating the rest of that?


‘Scuse me then, while I stretch across!… Sometimes, Lulu…I think…we shouldn’t just be…sitting here…chowing on yummy muffins….We should be out there. Marching. Or whatever. Actually doing something to bring about change.

Crikey…what sort of thing?

…I don’t know…

But you’re quite right. I agree with you.

Maybe a coffee morning?

Brilliant idea, Tilly! There comes a point when you have to put your foot down. Enough is enough! These illegal immigrants — talking about their right to a family life. They don’t even know what “family” means! MY KIDS can’t go on the Tube!…Meanwhile, we’ve got gypsies squatting at the bottom of our drives, in filthy caravans. And blowing us up on the Underground! Because it’s their human right.

So long as they’ve got a pet cat.

Ha! Yes, exactly…Mind you — whatsername — With the shoes. The Tory woman. Whatshername? The one who made the speech — At least she knows what’s what. And I’ll tell you something else — for the animal print kitten heels alone — she gets my vote! She’s got FAB taste in footwear! HAHAHA…

No she hasn’t.


Underrated: Abroad

The ravenous longing for the infinite possibilities of “otherwhere”

The king of cakes

"Yuletide revels were designed to see you through the dark days — and how dark they seem today"