EU are you kidding?

In, out or shake it all about?

Daisy Waugh

What shocks me, frankly, is that it’s taken this long. It’s a scandal, really. When you think about the hold they have over us . . . and the money and everything . . . Ali Baba refusing to leave the county. Whatever he calls himself  

With the hook?

Never mind all the rest of it . . . the red tape . . .

. . . Immigration.

All those “Eurocrats” with their snouts in our trough . . .

. . . Funny-shaped bananas . . .

. . . the metric system . . .

Oh I don’t care a fig about that! Do you? But, I mean, God knows what Ali Baba’s costing us . . . And it’s all coming from Europe. Human rights mumbo jumbo . . . We don’t have any say. Or we didn’t. Until now.

We should definitely have our say. In or out?

Shake it all about!


You’re right though. It’s about time.

Slow down, Liz! I wouldn’t go counting your chickens just yet!

Funny-shaped chickens!


I was just  

Well, because it hasn’t happened. Yet. Our so called “referendum”. Frankly, I’ll be shocked if it does. It’s not the first time we’ve been promised one, after all.

. . . Isn’t it?

Well one of them promised it  years ago. Remember? Was it Blair or the other one? The Scottish one, with the wife . . . God! Can you believe I’ve already forgotten his name?

Gordon Brown?

. . . One of them said they’d have a referendum on the euro, I think . . . and then nothing. Nada. Everyone sort of conveniently forgot. So I’ll believe it when I see it. Frankly. Sounds to me like a sort of  I promise I’ll leave my wife soon, darling . . . Just not now.

Haha — you can tell that to Laura.

I’d love to. If I thought she’d listen.

Tell her — the day that man leaves his wife, Laura, it’s the day we get our funny-shaped banana referendum!


She’s a silly cow, though. I’ve got no sympathy.

. . . But say there is a referendum.

“Yes, darling. Absolutely. Right after Billy’s Common Entrance, darling.”

Haha. Too funny!

“And no, darling, of course we never have sex any more.”

Oh my God, you’ve just spent the weekend with her, haven’t you?

She believes him. That’s the tragedy.

But to be serious . . .

I am serious, Kat! Deadly! She honestly believes that idiot man is going to  

If we did get a referendum . . . about the euro and everything. Not the euro. But everything . . . Being in Europe. Whatever. Which way would you vote?

. . . Which way . . . ?

I know! Dreaded question!

Well I’d vote Out of course. Wouldn’t you?

What about the positives?

What positives?

God — I don’t know . . . business. Exports and imports. And things. We’d get horribly left out.

Left out of what?

Well . . . I don’t know. Only there’s a lot of people who think this country would go down the tubes — if we cut ourself off. Quote unquote.

There’s a lot of people who think this country’s going down the tubes as it is.

I know that. But even so . . . I find myself changing my mind constantly. One minute I think we should stay . . . next minute I think . . .

So what are you going to vote then?

Well that’s just it . . . Today I’d say In. Because we were booking the villa. And I thought — how dreadful if we couldn’t afford it . . . Yesterday I thought Out . . . Because there was a thing in the paper about the Bulgarians  


And the day before . . . I was thinking how sorry I’d be if we lost our lovely little Portuguese deli-place. With the custardy things . . .


I worry about it, Lizzie.

Do you? Well . . . Well  cheer up! Fingers crossed, it’ll never happen. And I’m pretty sure they sell those custardy things at Waitrose. By the way: do you know if your little maths tutor man’s got a teeny space for Toby? I’m getting super-desperate.

Underrated: Abroad

The ravenous longing for the infinite possibilities of “otherwhere”

The king of cakes

"Yuletide revels were designed to see you through the dark days — and how dark they seem today"