Snoop Log

Listening in on a conversation about listening in

Espionage Party Lines

Well they put a stop to it, didn’t they? The bleeding heart liberals . . . Sometimes you could be forgiven for thinking they actually want us all to be blown up by terrorists.

That’s exactly what I was going to say! . . . It probably sounds silly but sometimes, when people go on about privacy and government spying and things-

Prism.

What?

You know. The American bloke.

Anyway-you have to wonder. When Cleggie goes on about his snooper’s charter or whatever, you’ve got to ask-why’s he so upset? 

Oh my goodness! That’s exactly what I was going to say. What’s he got to hide?

Makes you wonder if these people aren’t secretly terrorists themselves.

That’s right!

It’s like the CCTV cameras. People are always complaining. Bring them on, I say! Isobel’s got one over the cot by the way-She’s just had one fitted.

No!

Absolutely! She says loads of people are getting them now. It’s one up from the alarmy things we used to have. She’s got a TV monitor in the bedroom-Desmond’s livid!-and another monitor in the kitchen . . .

Well you can’t be too careful can you? All these urban foxes . . .

That’s my point! And if we’re happy to spy on our own babies, which we are, I don’t know what Cleggie and that American bloke are whingeing on about. I don’t care who’s spying on me! Do you care?

Hardly! Safety first! Don’t you think?

I should think we could put those monitors in all our kids’ rooms. Not just the babies’.  Check what they’re getting up to.

Hmm. They might object, Suze. Teens being teens.

Well-we could do it when they’re at school! They’d never need to know! Pop a little camera in the bedside light-we’ve all seen it on the telly! I think we should. Seriously. Because God knows-we’ve got all the protections on their computers but I dread to think what Timmie’s looking at on that screen of his. When he’s supposed to be practising his saxophone.

The Prism bloke might argue that your kids deserve privacy.

He might well argue that.

I mean-I wouldn’t want a camera in my bedroom, would you? Not that it would see any action, frankly. Even so.

Hahaha! No. Not in mine either! Thank God.

But it’s not the point, is it? I wouldn’t want the Powers That Be looking at that . . . I mean. Watching me snoring. Or whatever. It’s private. Isn’t it?

Yeah. But you’re not a terrorist. Nobody’s going to spy on you.

They don’t just spy on terrorists. That’s what the bloke is saying. They spy on you and me. Not getting any action in the b-room!

Gawd. Embarrassing or what?

Derek says they only do it-spy on normal people like you and me-so they can work out how to screw more tax out of us. That’s what Derek says. These governments and world powers, they’re all as bad as each other. They just want our money.

They want our souls!

What?

Oh I’m only messing about!

. . . I don’t know, Suze. Maybe-just maybe-I do sometimes wonder if it isn’t getting a teeny bit out of hand . . . When little Cleggie can look on his database and see if I bought a sex toy off Amazon.

DID YOU?!

What? NO! Anyway I don’t think they sell them . . .

It’s not Cleggie who wants to look at your sex toys, by the way.

I know it isn’t. It’s the other ones. The American FBI or whatever . . . Next thing, suddenly William Hague’s talking about it on Question Time!

I dread to imagine what sort of sex toys Hague’s been buying on Amazon.

Ask the FBI! Or that little American chappie from the Prism thingummy. I bet he knows.  Anyway. They don’t sell sex toys on Amazon. I told you.

Well, as long as we’re all safe.

I suppose so.

That’s all that really matters, isn’t it?