You know that musician bloke? You’re going to laugh, Dixie, but every time I hear the words “George” and “Osborne”, I think of him…
No. Plan B.
George Hamilton? He’s not a singer. Boy George? No. Can’t be. Errmm . . . George — the one in the Beatles? Except he had a beard. Jimmy Somerville from Bronski Beat? He’s not called George. But yes, I can see the resemblance. I suppose. If you ignore the accent, ha ha ha!
No. Plan B. He’s called Plan B.
You’re talking Greek, sweetheart — Oh! The singer’s actually called Plan B? That’s very smart! I get the connection now. Because of the “What’s — Plan-B?” George Osborne scenario? Anyway the whole point was, he didn’t have a Plan B. Is that right? Or he did have a Plan B. He had a Plan A. And he didn’t need the Plan B…
Do you think he’s attractive?
Well I think he’s a damn sight more attractive than Sebastian Coe. For example.
Who I mention because he’s a young Tory and I heard him on the radio this morning. He’s gay, isn’t he? Also I think he says “pardon”.
All right. Never mind him. What about the Notting Hill set? They’re straight. Officially. I think. They definitely don’t say pardon. David Cameron? Do you fancy him?
Don’t be silly.
Which one’s he?
Oh. Dunno. This is fun though! What other politicians are there? Can you think of any?
…In Notting Hill?
Boris Johnson? I bet he lives in Notting Hill.
I don’t think he does actually.
So what about George Osborne then? You still haven’t answered. Now that his Plan A is working and he’s saved the country from bankruptcy and everybody thinks he’s superdooper…If you found him in bed, would you sleep in the bath?
Well he’d have to take that ridiculous baseball cap off. At least.
I’m not having the baseball cap. Remember that Joe Cocker song, “You can leave your hat on”? Well he can’t. Absolutely not. I’m not sleeping with a man with a hat on.
What if George Clooney had a hat on?
Hmmm. Do you think he says pardon? He might do. He’s probably gay anyway. Truth is I don’t really want to sleep with anyone who says pardon — and by the way, that’s between you and me, Dixie. I could get into a lorra lorra trouble for saying that!
I bet Lady Chatterley’s lover said pardon.
You wouldn’t have to marry him.
I certainly wouldn’t marry anyone who said pardon.
Would you marry George Osborne?
Are you drunk? Aside from the fact I think he’s gay. Aside from that — I’m not being funny but I really actually do not fancy him. I know he’s very talented with his plans A and B, and all that. And maybe if he agreed not to bring in a mansion tax I’d go down on him. As a sort of quid pro quo sort of thingy…
Ooh! What about Stamp Tax?
OMG, if he got rid of stamp tax, Dixie, I’d go down on him and some! One night only, mind! But yeah.
How about…What if he just got rid of the whole welfare state? Bunged all the spongers out on the street and told them to get on with it? What sex act might you be willing to partake in if he agreed to that?
…I think that might be going a bit far…
No but seriously.
Seriously, I don’t fancy him.
Well, for a start, there’s the hat. As discussed. Also, I’m pretty sure he’s gay. Also he’s got a Yorkshire accent, hasn’t he?
I think you must be confused…No, that’s —
OMG! OMG OMFG! AARGH! I thought you were talking about the other guy. That little Yorkshire chappie, William Hague! But that’s another one…Oh gosh, you probably think I’m a prize numb-nut now!
Not at all.
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