Party Lines

No sex please, we’re British parents, Daisy Waugh hears

Education Party Lines Satire

They’ve gone a bit too far this time. Don’t you think?

Oh, we are incandescent in our household. Incandescent! You should hear Tim on the subject. He says it’s a bridge too far. Up With This, he told me, I Will Not Put! And when Timmie says that…Watch out world!

I’m sure!

He’s going to sue. He’s actually going to sue the government for robbery.

Robbery?

Robbery of our kids’ right to a decent childhood.

Oh, super! Very clever! There’s probably something in the Human Rights Act about that…

Because you realise that’s what this is all about? Timmie’s convinced it’s about sidelining Mums and Dads. Breaking down society. These sort of “socialist” governments…Timmie says they’d be much happier if the parents didn’t actually exist at all…So then the governments could just sort of “take over”.

Crikey!

And they won’t stop there, you know! Timmie says…

Stop where? Actually I thought…someone said they were probably going to stop at the kissing and cuddling stage while the kiddies are still in pre-prep. Just talk about kissing and cuddling. And then, you know, as they get older, sort of…

Not a bit of it! You wait! It’s going to be the whole SHEBANG. Five years old and never mind the three Rs. It’s the fourth R they’ll be obsessing over…

…R?

Rumpy-pumpy, you clot!

Oh! Ha, ha. Very clever! Rumpy-pumpy! Wish I’d thought of that!

I’m not joking, Leonora. I wish I was…Your precious little Skye, sitting nicely in Story Corner, looking forward to being told a lovely little fairy tale…

Peter Rabbit!

But they won’t be reading Peter Rabbit! They’ll be teaching her about — you know — Daddy popping his thingy…down below…

Oh Lord. Don’t like the sound of that!

It’ll be Daddy’s Dangly Bits, Mummy’s Special Place! No blushes spared!

That’s a bit much!

Only, now I think of it, they probably won’t even bother with what  “Mummy” and  ”Daddy” got up to, once upon a time.

Yuk!

It’ll be Kevin and Sharon, I should think. When Kevin fancies his “partner” Sharon very much…

The mind boggles.

And they won’t put it nicely, either. Like we would — break it to them gently. It’ll all be terribly gynaecological. Skye will be skipping home, saying…y’know…the “v” word.

Sorry?

…V…

AAAAAARRRRGHHHH!

Sorry. Sorry. Really I am…But it’s so important we teach our kids to have a healthy approach to these things. We leave it to the schools to handle it, they’re going to put our kids off sex for life.