Dog days

‘If every writer who disliked what other contributors wrote decided to withdraw their work, there would be no papers, no magazines, perhaps no telly’

Counterpoints
“How much is that doggy in the window?”, by Miriam Elia, published last month in Standpoint

Never apologise, never explain. I’ll make an exception here. If Zareer Masani wants to apologise to the readers of “this offensive rag” for daring to read work he disapproves of, then go ahead, squire.

The poor squeamish fellow was grossly offended by a piece I wrote in the April issue about a group of MPs boasting of their moral worth and all-round probity by introducing a bill to outlaw the consumption of dogs, a vapid endeavour given that dog is seldom if ever consumed in Britain. Masani whines that he is “ashamed to be published in what’s become a tabloid exercise in yellow journalism, revelling in the perverted, misanthropic humour of Jonathan Meades . . . Is this a joke. If so may I extol the joys of defecating on people as ugly as Jonathan Meades.”

Whatever turns you on Zareer, old son. Whatever turns you on. But you know you can get treatment for coprophilia?

Now, if every writer who disliked what other contributors wrote decided to withdraw their work, there would be no papers, no magazines, perhaps no telly. Maybe he has inadvertently hit on something. Enough, I’m going to search for a hitherto untattooed piece of my torso and get it inscribed “Prophet of Perversity”.