Party Lines

How’s a girl to vote? Daisy Waugh listens in on the great debate

Party Lines Satire

I’m one of the great undecideds, Laura. 

Ooh! 

One minute I’m saying maybe the Greens. Then I’m saying, no — the LibDem man who everyone loves — with the Spanish wife… 

She seems a tough cookie…Did you watch the debates?

God no.

What’s the point?

Right… Of course there’s Labour.

No.

So then I’m back with the Tories again… It’s all very well — but so what if SamCam’s got a bun in the oven? 

Why should that make any difference?

Right. 

She looked gorgeous, didn’t she? In that blue dress. With the belt. Did you see?

Did I see? Stunning. 

Wasn’t so keen on the jeans and Converse combo…

Hopeless. Don’t know WHO that was supposed to appeal to.

Mumsnet, probably.

What?

They’re calling it the Mumsnet election.

I find that rather insulting. As if we were just “Mum” and ergo sum, totally clueless.

Very insulting. 

So one minute I’m going for Sam and Dave…Then I think…What do they stand for? 

Family values?

I don’t know.

I don’t know what any of them stands for. 

Nobody does. Nobody knows.

What do they stand for? 

It’s bloody boring, isn’t it? Honestly. 

Oh! I hear the word “general election”. And I switch off. 

Me too. Zzzzz.

Zzzzz… 

What about you? 

Me? Geoff would never forgive me if I didn’t vote for the You-Know-Who’s.

Excuse me, Emily — but we’re living in what’s fondly referred to as a “democracy”…You can vote for whomever you like.

Ha! Tell that to Gordon Brown. 

What?

He’d be happy if we all voted Labour.

Yes…But…It’s why that girl threw herself under the racehorse. You have to vote. 

Is it?

Yes.

 But should it be? I know it’s important…

Get our voices heard…

But there’s whole sections of our “society” who shouldn’t actually be allowed to vote.  

Well… 

Half of them probably can’t even spell their names. They haven’t the foggiest idea if it’s Tuesday or the shipping forecast.

Yes…

Besides. The politicians all look the same. As for Clegg, I don’t even know what his Spanish wife looks like — 

And don’t get me on Sarah Brown.

Awful.

I swear, if anything makes me vote Tory…

Me too!

If I can, that is. I keep meaning to check if we’re registered.