Maureen Lipman

‘I’m generally found still tapping in the wings before I make my entrance, more Rain Man than Birdman’

‘Even in Tel Aviv, they know that the words “no comment” are not in my vocabulary’

“Lawyers, doctors, stewardesses, rabbis, rabbits, long-faced horses, Jewish nymphomaniacs . . . you name it, I insulted it”

‘It seems a little early for me to give my trust and travellers cheques to Iran, merely on the promise that the new leader smiles more than the last’

“I’ve said it before: where do the Israel-bashers stand on Syria? I’ll say it again because I hear a resounding silence.”

‘Turning down Andrew Neil at eleven at night was probably a mistake because Esther Rantzen became my body double and lectured me resoundingly on what Britain has done for me’

“Audrey the Audi must go and I have to buy a nice four-door runaround. It’s just like my election dilemma—if not Audrey, who?”

“Wales was every bit as foreign to my eyes as navigating an archipelago or dropping into a dinghy to visit a frigatebird”

‘I’m an actress, Ed, and I am often commended for my timing. Frankly, my dear, yours sucks’

‘There was a waiting room inside for all Speed Awareness miscreants and it resembled a clinic for sexually transmitted diseases’