Party Lines

‘It’s pathetic. We’re talking about someone who may become leader of the free world. She could actually be the One with the finger on that big, red button. She’s got the security of the entire human race in her hands — and all the papers can write about is the size of her behind and whether or not she’s had Botox…

Ridiculous, isn’t it. D’you think she has?

Probably. She hasn’t denied it, has she? Whereas she’s absolutely, positively denied having a facelift…I actually think she looks great, by the way.

… Amazing.…Mind you she’s filled out a bit….

She’s not applying to be a supermodel! Give the poor woman a break.

Fair enough. All right… But there’s a point to be made — not by me — but someone could argue that, you know, it might be reassuring to feel that the person with the finger on The Button, as you so rightly put it, had at least enough will power to refuse a banana muffin every now and then. Or whatever.

What about Bill and his fingers?

Oh please! Don’t be disgusting. We don’t want to think about that. Anyway I think she looks fantastic. Give or take a couple of kilos. Absolutely fantastic, for a woman of — what 60? 70? Whatever-she-is. And when you compare it to the way she looked when she was a student — Christ! With the greasy hair and the glasses…

And the eyebrows! Do you remember the eyebrows? What was she thinking? … Goes to show what a good stylist can do.

Right. So she’s got a big bum. So what? Where does she stand on the issues? That’s what matters. That’s what I really want to know. Defence. And things. Foreign Policy… Iraq… Childcare… All that sort of stuff.

I’ve no idea where she stands on those issues. Do you?

… We’re not told, are we?

Whereas Obama…

Where does he stand on things?

I’ve no idea. It’s not the point, is it? He’s a man. People take him seriously. You don’t catch people banging on about the size of Obama’s arse.

Because he hasn’t got one.

Has anyone asked what kind of beauty treatments Obama has? I don’t think so.

Well, he’s too young for Botox. But I’ll bet he has the odd facial every once in a while. To keep fresh. He always looks very fresh, doesn’t he?

Apparently he eats a lot of chicken and fish. And steamed vegetables. He has a very healthy diet apparently. It’s why he’s so slim.

He is slim, isn’t he? Somebody said he might be gay.

Wouldn’t be surprised. Apparently he’s Jewish, too. Or something…

D’you think he’s attractive?

Obama? … Not really. His ears stick out… Plus I’ve never really been that attracted to black guys. Which isn’t — obviously I don’t mean… Actually I can’t even believe I said that…’

Underrated: Abroad

The ravenous longing for the infinite possibilities of “otherwhere”

The king of cakes

"Yuletide revels were designed to see you through the dark days — and how dark they seem today"