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Teeth
July/August 2014


Illustrations by Connor Willumsen

We trunk dogs on the weekends for extra cash. It's been in the news lately, with all those spics down in Miami getting popped for it, but it's nothing new.

What you do is you meet up with the guy in a private location, agree on the terms, then load the dogs into the trunk and shut it. You ride in the car with the other guy while his guys follow in a separate vehicle. That's to make sure no one fucks the other one out of any cash.

You're going to need a car with a decent-sized trunk, both height and length. The Camry and Chrysler 300 both have great space for the job. What you don't want is an SUV or something with that thin sheet you pull back over the third seat. That's when the dogs end up right in the fucking driver's seat with you. Some guy I knew trunked in an Escalade and wound up wrapping the fucker around a tree out in Port Kent.

Privacy's a big thing. If you're doing this in an alley or out along Cumberland Bay, you don't have to worry about a family of four walking out of a Burger King while you trunk the dogs.

When the dogs are in the trunk the two of you hop in, turn the music up real loud and drive for about fifteen minutes or so. Make sure you got a CD or something, radio commercials are lower than the music and can give you away. Stay away from city streets, because there's too many red lights and stop signs and people can catch on pretty quick. Also, avoid the Northway because you know the first thing some trooper's going to do when he pulls you over for going too fast is ask to open the trunk so he can check out the noise. Fuck that. I ain't about to do three years in Dannemora and pay a hundred grand.

You also want to make sure these fuckers are snarling and ready to go when you close the lid, or else you're going to make a fifteen minute drive for nothing. Last thing you want to do is drive out to Chazy and pop open the trunk to find the two fucking nuzzling each other and smelling their asses.

It's best to pull off somewhere near the woods or lake when the fifteen minutes are up, that way if you have to ditch one, and you're always going to have to ditch one, you got an easy place to do it.

Finally, money is exchanged and you guys pull a Fleetwood Mac until the next meet. If you lose however, you've got the job of dumping the body or putting the dog out of its misery, so it's best to keep a piece under the driver's seat. Go for something small caliber, like a .380. You want to take it out quietly, not blow the thing apart all over your pants and shoes.

I usually don't have to worry about this final rule, though.

I'm the best fucking dogman in the Empire State.

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